POP+OMG

The five worst things about the new will.i.am song:

5. That video? Seriously, who paid for this? And who made the pitch to those people? I would like to know what that board room meeting was like. Nothing shows how out of touch will.i.am is with reality like a treatment that involves him being superhuman action star.

4. “Oh my goodness, this beat is so hard.” There are few times where a pop song has made me lol, and this one. I wish I could pretend he wasn’t being serious, but he totally is, and that really sets the tone for the song.

3. Mick Jagger. Convincing the frontman of the Rolling Stones to be on your song is supposed to add some sort of credibility, but it actually turns your single into even more of a joke. It’s also 2011, when half of will’s listening demographic won’t even care about Mick and when bad ideas are still bad ideas.

2. Rhyming “thesis” with “feces” is not cool, will. You’re free to talk about how you’re the shit all you want, but nobody really wants to think about actual shit. Way to take it to an unnecessary place.

1. He makes two references to erections within ten seconds. Nothing kills the soul quite like will.i.am shouting how he’s going to go hard like “a motherfucking boner.” I think I just threw up in my mouth.

Austin says:

It’s a will.i.am song and, as such, it naturally sucks. That is all.

NOLAN SAYS: So I’m sitting in my room watching Beyoncé’s Live at the Roseland DVD and then I thought, hey, this is great and all (no, really, it is), but you know what I really want to do? Go watch Gwen Stefani’s DVD. Remember when she basically sold out arenas with a setlist that includes her just rapping for a few minutes about how she’s still Jenny from the Block, but the Southern California version? Well, “Hollaback Girl” didn’t age as well as the rest of her solo material did, and the same goes for some of the tracks off her follow-up (including “Orange County Girl,” above) but you’re crazy if you don’t think Love Angel Music Baby was overlooked as one of the greatest pop albums to come out of the first decade of the 2000s.

NOLAN SAYS: Yeah, Yeah, Aqua’s back, that’s old news, but today the Danish dance outfit released the video for “Playmate to Jesus,” their second single off of their first album in a decade, Megalomaniac. The previous single, “How R U Doin?,” sounded like a joyful-if-desperate mix of Ke$ha and the Far East Movement, but “Playmate to Jesus” manages to achieve a modern take on classic Aqua (yes, that is a thing, see 2001’s Aquarius for reference) without sounding like regurgitated B-list Billboard chart material. Almost everything about this is gorgeous – Lena Nystrøm’s voice, the string arrangements, and Lene herself – approaching 40, guys! If there’s any 90s cultural meme that achieved this semblance of longevity, I never thought it’d be Aqua. Just pretend the chorus doesn’t end with something as trite as “Everywhere I go I pray / for universal love” and you’ll be set to space out.

Also, while you’re at it, check out “Like a Robot,” another buzz single from the group that decides, hey, maybe regurgitated B-list Billboard chart material isn’t worthless after all. And they’re right, but for different reasons – the concept of “Like a Robot” is a little silly when you imagine the “Barbie Girl” creators dropping F-bombs about sexual frustration while trying to get their tequila-shot-drinking club action on.

AUSTIN SAYS: Nolan, how many reviews are we allowed to do a day?

I love Patrick Stump’s voice. I do. It’s so unique and stylistically unmatched. When I heard Fall Out Boy broke up I was both very happy and very sad. Their new music had started to all blend together to me in a weird pop/alternative/FBR mess. The break-up either meant that the famous members (Patrick and Pete Wentz) would be reemerging with new acts, or that everyone would fade into oblivion. Well Pete divorced his wife (Ashlee Simpson who I love for multiple reasons) and no one knows what his next move is. Patrick on the other hand got right to work on this more pop/vocally style music. He said he was making his own genre, which is usually not a good thing. I’m all about individuality and creativity, but you need a base to build off of and without it… you get this song.

There is very little instrumentation and with a voice like Señor Stump’s I think you need a little more melody in the background. The beat is kind of funky but simple, unlike the lyrics which are just simple. The first version of this song I heard did not have Lupe Fiasco on it but I think his verse definitely adds more fun to the song. I also think the video is pretty cool.

Nolan, we should have a fun way of rating. O = Ow. M= Mediocre. G=GAYTASTIC (AMAZING, because great would’ve been too easy).

I give this song an N because it’s between M and O. See what I did there?

NOLAN SAYS: Dude, I like Ashlee Simpson, too! Oh man, I totally know what I am going to do for tomorrow’s Flashback Friday. Also, I don’t really understand your rating system. I think we should pick an arbitrary awesome thing and then use that as a form of measurement. Like, if this were 2010 I would give Robyn’s Body Talk 10 sharks out of 10 sharks. Because sharks are cool. Alternatively, we could use milkshakes. For example, I probably would give the Natalia Kills album 7 or 8 milkshakes, depending on my mood. But then what if we review a Kelis album, would we be obligated to give her extra milkshakes because she is like patron saint of milkshake metaphors? So many logistical obstacles, you know? Anyway, wow, this is not what I was expecting Patrick Stump to sound like. My brain, like, can’t compute. So I’m going to hold off on sharing my thoughts until I can actually process that this is real.

I can’t stop gushing about Demi Lovato lately. I heard Skyscraper and I was like, “Yeah this is powerful. I guess…” But I bought it. And then I heard this song two days before her album and I was like “OOOQURL I SEE YOUUU.” I’m not a huge fan of Dev but all of the beats she sings/raps/talks on are great.

Demi’s voice is AMAZING on Unbroken. (even though the cover doesn’t match the feel of the album which I think was a problem with Beyoncé’s 4 as well [yes, another Bey reference - I promise I won’t always make them]. Antyway, ever since Demi first came out of the Disney vagina I’ve said her voice was amazing but needed training and that she should be singing more pop/r&b style. (THOSE RIFFS, POPMG!) She really did it on this album with production from Timbaland and Missy. I’m loving it.

My Favorite Songs: 

• Who’s That Boy (feat Dev) - DANCE
• All Night Long (feat. Missy & Timbo) - Obviously.
• Unbroken - Surprising.
• My Love Is Like A Star - VOCALS VOCALS VOCALS

NOLAN SAYS: Did you really just say “Disney vagina?” GROSS. Also, I’ve been thinking – I think 4 cover really suits the album. It’s half “IN CASE YOU FORGOT I AM A STRONG WOMAN” and half “I look slightly defeated and resigned but it’s because I am refusing to cave into pressure by making an album that is not really commercial but is true to my heart, and if you don’t like it I am actually not sure if I should care.”